Feeling understood or accepted
The challenge of understanding others
Understanding what is going on in someone’s head is hard. Also when they are children without additional communication needs or adults but even harder if they are non-verbal or having difficulties communicating their exact emotions.
The search for answers It can be interesting and great to look for or find answers to better understand someone else. But sadly it can be really challenging to find correct answers.
Keeping the emotional bankaccount high enough can also help a lot in making them feel accepted or understood.
Same actions, different meanings To be able to find the answers, you need to be able to look at things in a nonjudgemental way. Also is it important to always remember that everyone is different. So it doesn’t mean one person does something for the same reason as someone else. For example, you have two children. One jumps around, the other also jumps around. But the first one jumps around because he wants something that he is not getting. The other one jumps around because he is super happy.
Experiences like taking a shower can feel completely different from one child to another. For some, the water jets feel soothing, while for others, they may feel like daggers. These responses can even change from day to day depending on their nervous system, overwhelm and sensitivity.
The Endless Questions But why do they do this…
Why doesn’t he like this?
Does he actually not like this?
These endless questions that you might have, some will never have an answer. Like why does your child like to look at things in tunnel vision through a small hole they make with their fingers?
You can look for answers for these things, and some answers might help you understand them, some might open a whole other rabbit hole where you can easily get lost or overwhelmed in. Or you can try and sincerely(not in a making fun of them way!) mimic things, to see what they do for your body/mind, why you would like to do this. You might find answers like ‘oh only looking at this through tunnel vision does help focusing as you can only see this’.
Similarly in the other direction, consider how certain relaxation therapies for neurotypical adults now incorporate jumping up and down swinging arms as a way to release worries and calm the nervous system. Neurotypical adults need to learn to incorporate these techniques in their daily lives, our children often instinctively know what and when to do this. Beautiful isn’t it?
Understanding and connection through Imitation Just by copying some behavior can often make the child feel understood or at least accepted by you showing interest in why they do it. They could feel less lonely and more connected to you.
This also is a way in to learning as you copy things they do. Through this connection they can take an interest in copying what you do… and want to do things together. (always start really small at first with things you know they can just about do to make it fun and interesting and take turns in copying each other)
A Story Knocking game I had made a little game with one boy in nursery. I called it the knocking game.
He was behind a wooden wall from me, I looked on one side of the wall where he was, then I knocked on the wood all the way to the other side of the end of the wall. There I said ‘Hi’ to him again. He would be like “oh there you are” and follow me.
After a while he followed the sound of me knocking and right before I was at the end he would pop his head around the corner and made a sound that was really close to my ‘Hi’. He loved this game and often ran to ‘hide’ behind the wooden wall to get me to play that game with him again. Later he learned the connection between the words ‘knocking game’ and the game itself. I could say it and he would ran or skip or dance towards the wooden wall to play it.
Understanding Differences: A Thought Experiment
If everyone in the world would be blind… the world would be totally different and if you were the one who was seeing this bright sunlight and needed sunglasses for this as it was too much, and you would get crazy from awful color combination people would wear, or you would get sad or depressed from the non-colorful things or from the 0 light inside the houses because why should there be color or light? you would be considered the person with a disability.
- Being different does not mean being wrong.
Being different does not mean there is something wrong with you.
Being different simply means the world is not designed for the way you function best.
Being different means the world is not build in the way you can function best.
This is why some people just need some extra support in navigating the world around them.
The Importance of Acceptance with or without understanding Accepting something even if it is not logical or explainable for you, and accepting it without resentment can help the child feel loved and accepted for who they are. Once you start accepting and make them feel loved, they could surprise you and may start expressing themselves in ways they previously hid out of fear or shame. They could for example suddenly start making singing sounds as they feel accepted.
Often children will learn that making sounds make people look strange/negative at them. So they hide this. If they feel accepted they get less shy or scared so they often start to make sounds again. This can be an essential step towards verbal communication. A simple yes or no can be a big thing if they ever end up with people that cannot understand other ways of communication.
A Story: The Importance of Communicating “Yes” and “No” (may be triggering)
I worked in a care facility with an elderly man that had autism and was non-verbal. He was well loved and cared for. But his only way of refusing something was to push it away. Like when I would make him a cup of tea. If he did not want it he would push it away, if he wanted it he just took it out of my hands and drank it. He had been like this his whole life. But this led to unintended consequences. Caregivers kept offering him tea one after the other not realizing caregivers on the previous shifts had already given him a lot of cups already. He probably learned to just drink it. There might have also been moments of scarcity in his live that caregivers made him a cup of tea and he refused it and he didn’t get another warm cup until that one was empty.
Over time, he developed an issue of excessive drinking while refusing to eat. This were some things that slipped through the holes in the loving care he got. If he could have learned to communicate yes and no to the simple question this could have been prevented.
This is one of the reasons why it is important to improve and encourage their ways of communicating at least yes and no.
Managing Challenging Behaviors Some of the things children with autism do can be uncomfortable or can make other people around feel ashamed or even scared of. These things are sometimes not easy to change, and often not understood why. There are a couple of things that can be done to prevent or change these things.
Responding Honestly (except for laughing if it is funny but inappropriate)– If a child hits you, don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt if it does. This sends mixed signals. Instead, expressing genuine reactions (without overreacting) helps them understand cause and effect. Then later if you try to talk about it to explain it is not so confusing anymore as your face, body and reaction all spoke the same truth.
Setting Clear Boundaries – Children, including autistic children, often understand more than we assume. It’s better to slightly overestimate their understanding and provide consistent guidance.
Encouraging Positive Behaviors – Reinforcing good behaviors with attention can be more effective than focusing on correcting negative behaviors.
A Final Thought on Understanding
“To understand a child we have to watch him at play, study him in his different moods; we cannot project upon him our own prejudices, hopes and fears, or mold him to fit the pattern of our desires. If we are constantly judging the child according to our personal likes and dislikes, we are bound to create barriers and hindrances in our relationship with him and in his relationships with the world."
- From “Education and the Significance of Life”
By observing and accepting children for who they are, we can help them feel truly understood and create an environment where they can thrive.