A good connection is needed to create a secure attachment with the child. This is often something that can use some support with these children. As they often not or only by a few people feel understood in their ways of communication. Mental safety will also help a big part with this. This post can also be interesting if you are looking for a better connection and more secure attachment. Connecting takes time, understanding(being open) and patience.
- Mental safety
Strong, known boundaries/rules (but not rigid), bendable in special situations. These boundaries/rules should match the level of understanding and control(of their own actions and reactions) they are at.* (so safety takes some time)
In an event where boundaries or rules are temporarily altered, re-establishing that sense of safety may take time and patience.
*Some/all children have a bad day every now and then and their ”level” of understanding or control could fluctuate.
A feeling of safety to trust someone through communication is also an important one. If you communicate through speech/ if you say that everything is fine, but your body language shows worry the child can sometimes sense through other ways of communicating that you are worried about something. They would get confused and not know what they should trust, therefore they could start to lose trust in their ability to understand body-communication. Or they could lose trust in your honesty of communicating which could result in damage in your connection.
As understanding body-communication is their best way of understanding others, they rely on this understanding. Confusing them in this way can really throw them off balance.
It is a difficult balance, and I cannot give you a definitive answer on what to do with difficult situations, and how not to overwhelm them with our feelings but also not lie to them about them. It is not a one size fits all.
What I do know that works is that regulation of emotions and working on your own mental health is really important when you work or support or are a parent or close to someone with (non-verbal) autism. Not only for you but also for the well-being of the child.
A personal example. I had a situation at home that worried me. I supported a child in nursery at that time, it was a really exhausting morning with a lot of moments where he got unsettled and he didn’t know how to behave or act, although I believe I acted like I always do with him, but he felt something was off. During lunchtime I reviewed what happened that morning. I was not sure, but I took my time to calm myself down, reassured myself I can do good with the boy as I had seen him grow loads working together, and decided to fully let go of the worries I had at home, as carrying them with me at work would not help me get things solved anyway. And to focus on here and now.
I ate some happy food (food that gives me positive energy, like a couple of strawberries (or pizza)) or you can also do something different something small for yourself like a 10min relaxing read in the sun or yoga/…whatever works for you. And I went back to work. That afternoon went smoothly, it was like I was working with a different child. But I probably just gave less mixed signals.
- Emotional safety
Just being there and making the child know you are there for them(without pressure) is often all that is needed. If they learn that someone is there for them and they feel secure about you or someone being there they have space to grow and learn to self regulate more easily. You will start noticing them feeling sad/upset for not finding a toy and then deciding by themselves to go play with something else without needing comfort or redirecting. This is great progress, take time to notice things like this and see it as accomplishments because things like this are really important steps that need to be made to be able to really grow distances.
There is also environmental comfort
I will not thoroughly go into this at this time, this is just to have a quick idea of what it is about. environmental comfort
Environmental comfort is something that you can adjust to the child’s sensitivity / distraction levels. But this I don’t categorize as safety.
With this I mean things like no TL-tube lights in the places that the child needs to focus.(they can start to make sounds and blink and really become a big trigger)
Also high pitch sounds that are hard to be heard by less high sensitive/elder then +-35yo people. These sounds often come from electric machines like computers, some lamps, freezers, some small or big electric devices,… These can also hinder them to focus, trigger or overstimulate their nervous systems over time.
Toothpaste that burns (probably all types of peppermint toothpaste) or strong tasting toothpaste is also an example of this.
Also some type of textures. This will be noticeable in play with ‘playdough’, jelly, with certain types of food,…
There are a lot more of these small things that might be good to know to support them a little extra. (these sensitivities/distractions are definitely not with every child and not for everyone the same! Although it is pretty common in children that are neurodivergent)
Response to not feeling safe
Children often go into fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode. Going in one of these modes is often a response of not feeling physical safe, mental safe or emotional safe. If this happens too frequently or too intense they will have difficulty to calm their nervous system and become more sensitive*. If this then gets extreme or too much for them, they can go into a protective state of numb feeling. This resembles depression symptoms. To get out of this state they will need time and a feeling of safety.
This sensitivity* is often noticed in their environmental comfort. [#There is also environmental comfort](#There is also environmental comfort) environmental comfort
(more about this in another post Calm or safe nervous system