A good connection is essential to create a secure attachment with the child. For children with non-verbal autism, communication can often be misunderstood, making it harder for them to feel truly seen. Mental and emotional safety play a significant role in strengthening this bond.
If you’re looking to improve your connection and create a more secure attachment, this other post might also offer valuable insights. Connecting takes time, understanding(being open) and patience.
- Mental safety
Establishing clear, known but flexible boundaries Strong, known boundaries/rules (but not rigid), bendable in special situations will make children feel safe. These boundaries/rules should be:
- Clear and consistent
- Match to their level of understanding AND self-control! (of their actions and reactions)
- Flexible in special circumstances In an event where boundaries or rules are temporarily altered, re-establishing that sense of safety may take time and patience.
Some children may also have fluctuating levels of understanding or control, depending on the day/difficult time/growth focus. This might call for readjustment in these rules and might create chaos and less feeling of mental safety for some time. That is why it is important to also work on different ways of safety.
Trust in Communication A feeling of safety to trust someone through communication is also an important one. If you communicate through speech/ if you say that everything is fine, but your body language shows worry the child can sometimes sense through other ways of communicating that you are worried about something. They would get confused and not know what they should trust, therefore they could start to lose trust in their ability to understand body-communication. Or they could lose trust in your honesty of communicating which could result in damage in your connection.
As understanding body-communication is their best way of understanding others, they rely on this understanding. Confusing them in this way can really throw them off balance.
It is a difficult balance, and I cannot give you a definitive answer on what to do with difficult situations, and how not to overwhelm them with our feelings but also not lie to them about them. It is not a one size fits all.
What I do know that works is that regulation of emotions and working on your own mental health is really important when you work or support or are a parent or close to someone with (non-verbal) autism. Not only for you but also for the well-being of the child.
Personal Example: I had a situation at home that worried me. I supported a child in nursery at that time, it was a really exhausting morning with a lot of moments where he got unsettled and he didn’t know how to behave or act, although I believe I acted like I always do with him, but he felt something was off. During lunchtime I reviewed what happened that morning. I was not sure, but I took my time to calm myself down, reassured myself I can do good with the boy as I had seen him grow loads working together, and decided to fully let go of the worries I had at home, as carrying them with me at work would not help me get things solved anyway.
After taking time to calm myself, eat some “happy food” (like strawberries for me/whatever works for you), and refocus on the present, I returned with no worries. That afternoon, the child was noticeably more settled—it was as if I was working with a different child.
The change wasn’t in him; it was in me. My emotional state probably just gave less mixed signals which gave more trust in my body communication.
- Emotional safety
Being present without pressure** Just being there and making the child know you are there for them is often all that is needed. If they learn that someone is there for them and they feel secure about you or someone being there they have space to grow and learn to self regulate more easily. You will start noticing them feeling sad/upset for not finding a toy and then deciding by themselves to go play with something else without needing comfort or redirecting. This is great progress, take time to notice things like this and see it as accomplishments because things like this are really important steps that need to be made to be able to really grow distances.
There is also environmental comfort
I will not thoroughly go into this at this time, this is just to have a quick idea of what it is about. Environmental comfort
Environmental comfort is something that you can adjust to the child’s needs. Although environmental comfort isn’t necessarily a safety issue, it plays a role in a child’s ability to focus and feel at ease. Some children with sensory sensitivities may struggle with:
- Fluorescent lights (which can flicker, hum, and be overstimulating)
- High-pitched noises from computers, lamps, or freezers, other children,…
- Strong-tasting or burning toothpaste (especially peppermint flavors)
- Uncomfortable textures (in playdough, certain foods, jelly or clothing-labels)
- Smells for example the smell of certain foods like cheese, lemon. But also perfumes, cleaning products, laundry soap,… this can make a child not wanting to be around you.
- This are just a few, there are more.
These sensitivities vary from child to child, although it is pretty common in children that are neurodivergent. It is important that we are aware that these can hinder them to focus, trigger or overstimulate their nervous systems in the moment or over time.
Response to not feeling safe
When children feel unsafe -physically, mentally, or emotionally- they may go into one of the following survival responses:
- Fight (aggression, resistance)
- Flight (avoidance, running away)
- Freeze (shutting down, hiding, withdrawing)
- Fawn (people-pleasing to avoid conflict often followed by erupting emotions while being somewhere safe)
If this happens too frequently or too intense, their nervous system may become more sensitive*, making it harder for them to calm down. In extreme cases, they may enter a protective state of numbness, resembling depression. To get out of this state they will need time and a feeling of safety on all fronts.
This sensitivity* is often noticed in their environmental comfort. [#There is also environmental comfort](#There is also environmental comfort) Environmental comfort
(more about this in another post Calm or safe nervous system