Feeling loved
Love languages. Love language from children that are non-verbal and have autism, towards somebody else can be the same like anybody else, verbal(sounds), body language(eyes, closeness, touching faces, “face cuddling”(one face touching the other persons face), touching, happy dances,…), touch, showing respect by not doing to you what they don’t like and giving or sharing with you what they like,……
Their first impression of how someone thinks about them is often through the body language. So this refers to how they perceive people’s physical interaction and facial expressions when they meet them for the first time.
For example. In the classroom the teacher sees the following.
The teacher sees oh child one (cute child) and the teacher smiles with love and ‘ooh so cute’ in eyes, child two, (another cute child) she smiles with love and there is the ‘ooh so cute in eyes again’, child tree(neurodivergent child) she looks and sees a child that is a bit different, ‘hmm…’, child four (clearly smart child) subconsciously she smiles with contentment, child five a bit (larger/older child) smiles thinking good to have some help sometimes, then she sees child six (child with nonverbal autism) she looks thinking ‘hmm how am I going to do this… that can be difficult’ she looks at him worried (or sometimes other teachers will be like, oh again one of those that doesn’t belong here/…)
How would it make you feel if you knew someone looked at you from/on day one as feeling like you don’t belong there and the others get a smile full of love.
Every child deserves such a smile full of love.
We on the other hand can all understand that it can be challenging in a classroom, but still it has an affect on the child. (if you are a teacher or (grand)parent or… and feel like this is also you, and you would like to make changes in this, just contact me Contact and we can plan a coffee or so and have a judgement-free chat about what is going on and how to change things for the better for you and the child both.)
Doing a first observation from another room/from a distance can already help with this. I used to do that during the first playtime, just observing them a bit from a higher window.
Something that is sometimes mistaken about autism is that they don’t understand or they don’t feel or see these small details of emotion because they often have difficulties talking or understanding emotions. That does not mean they don’t feel them. Often it’s the other way around, they are really sensitive towards feelings and emotions. So if someone looks at them with worries or with frustration they will often pick it up instantly. (this does not mean they always know what it means or how to place it)
Of course parents look with worry at the children sometimes, or teachers can have some difficult times with a child that is slightly different, and that is not the problem here, the problem is that they need to see/feel the love that is there for them. And it needs to be all in balance for them to be able to function and grow their optimal speed?……missing some words but I don’t know which words… If it’s only spoken love, the child may find it difficult to understand.
It is important to find out what way of love communication towards the child makes him/her feel seen and loved. It can be through closeness and or cuddles, it can be a kiss or stroke on the forehead or cheek, it can be taking your hand, it can be starting to hum, it can be staring in your eyes, it can be shown in a lot of ways. As a parent, as a teacher or anyone near the child it is important for your emotional bank account* balance that you can see/feel the love of the child back as well. It can give you some motivation and energy. It will also help teachers reduce things like seeing them as being different or unwanted in the classroom. So as a parent, letting teachers in on how their child shows happiness, love or contentment, it might change significantly the view of the child and the impressions the teacher sends to the child.
See also a blogpost about UK safeguarding rules that teachers should not hug children.(still in the make) And The effects of covid regulations on not touching anyone for people with touching love language. (still in the make)
Find the love language they understand best, be aware of what you send out through all the languages and try to find a healthy balance, find the love language they communicate with towards others and let people around you know how they show and how they feel their love. (I have seen a lot of children and their love-languages. If you need some help finding theirs let me know Contact, happy to help.)
Before the next part I first want to explain the following: Model: emotional bank account:
You can see every relationship as having an emotional bank account.
Every time you feel positive towards someone is a deposit. Eg. you feel grateful towards that person,…
Every time you feel negative towards that person is a withdrawal. Eg. you feel misunderstood bij that person, you feel anger or frustration towards that person,…
At any given time you can check the balance in the account. When the balance is positive: there is a lot of trust, more patience, assumed good intentions. When the balance is negative: there is little trust, little patience and assumed bad intentions.
An important aspect is that two people with a relationship have different bank accounts towards the other. The other person can have the feeling that everything is well in the relationship, while you have the feeling that you’re never understood. The other person can have a green balance towards you, while you have a red balance towards the person. the opposite can also be true of course.
Is there a lot of distrust in the relationship? Maybe you haven’t invested enough in the relationship. How many deposits(things that made the other person feel understood or valued/loved) have you made in the other person’s bank account? How many deposits have been made in yours? And how many withdrawal’s?
How can you facilitate a moment where likely deposits will be made?
One way I did this while studying was by baking pizza’s and inviting the people I lived with. This meal together created the opportunity for people to express themselves and feel understood. We didn’t even mention irritations towards each other or try to solve them. We just deposited in each other’s bank accounts. And this caused there to be less irritation towards each other.
(src: tjenwellens.eu/blog/model-emotional-bankaccount/ & src: the 7 habits of highly effective people)
To maintain this positive emotional bankaccount with a child that is non-verbal you will need to understand or know their love language, as only then, they can send you intentional deposits that also reach your understanding. And make you aware of accidental withdrawal’s.
If you don’t know that for example them touching your face softly or looking you in the eyes means they like what you just did or they like you, you are less likely to do it again and less motivated. You can get exhausted or overworked of doing things for them and you might feel bad and not a good teacher or parent even though you love them with all your heart and would do anything for them but it drains energy especially if you don’t get these little deposits of gratitude back from them. It is good to keep an eye on this and take good care of yourselves when you get overworked. If you get overworked or exhausted you will do more withdrawals and this can over time grow towards a negative balance in one or both directions. Caring well for yourself and showing them can show them that it is important to care for yourself too. It will also help them love and care for themselves in their future. Keep that in mind instead of feeling guilty (or if you are not putting all your time and effort in them for once) and you just need this little bit selfcare.
If you feel exhausted and need a break sometimes, I am also available to do some babysitting while you reload your batteries. Just send me an Contact to get to know each other. You also deserve some time just for you without worrying.